Guilt
by Ushuaia
Summary: Tasuki further tortures himself whenever Miaka's around. Introspections, wonderings, snapping...a romance with a bit humor in the middle, irony at the end. ^^


Standard FY Disclaimers Apply.  
  
Guilt  
  
By Ushuaia  
  
Hey! Look what I got here. I thought I lost this three years ago.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tasuki felt her presence right infront of the door. Her shadow illuminates through the light source she is holding. Tasuki was expecting the figure to pass by his door, since there is no way to visit him at this hour, much less that he is the one she came here for.  
  
But to his much surprise, her figure did stop infront of his door.  
  
Tasuki could feel his breath stop as she came approach the door, her distinguishing balls on her head, and her slim stature.   
  
I wonder what is she here for? Tasuki thought. Usually at this time, she is spending the last hours of the day with Taka. A twinge of jealousy spurred inside him, and the question of the possibility that he is...indeed...falling in love with...  
  
Tasuki mentally erased that thought. That would be betrayal for Tamahome, disloyalty to his friend, and a tremendous grief for Miaka. Tasuki can't do both. But how could he restrain himself on the tempting calling of touching her, holding her close...  
  
When the moment Mt. Taikyoku erupted and was covered in a thick blanket of dust, he felt alarmed. But for a moment there, he felt joyful of the sudden, and unexpected disappearance of that scary witch, Taiitsukun. Oh, he couldn't forget that day, when he found Miaka unconscious, and her lungs filled with water. Of course, his first impulse was to help her--but with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?! There's no way. Especially if he had pledged to himself that no woman could interest her. And yet, her soft, pale lips seem inviting. Before he knew it, his lips touchs hers, and slowly breath in air that was able to bring her back to life.  
  
A moment of happiness...and now, as she stands infront of his closed door, all he feel was tremendous guilt not only for his two closest friends...but also to himself.  
  
She knocked thrice, and that brought him back to his senses. He realized that he has been holding his breath for a while, and immediately resumed it's constant pattern. "Tasuki, are you there? It's me, Miaka," he could hear her through the door. Tasuki slowly sat up and picked up the shirt that hung loosely over a chair. There's no use wondering what she wants if he could answer the door and know it in the first place. But as he reaches for the door, his heart felt like it suddenly stopped and wants to go back to his bed and pretended that he is not in. But the door suddenly bursts open, and found himself staring deathly wide at Miaka.  
  
She blinked, "Tasuki, what's wrong?"  
  
"Um...well..." Tasuki was dying to say that she actually scared him, but he felt his jaw locked right at that moment.  
  
"I just came by to tell you that we are going to the town to have some drink. I'm taking Chichiri and Taka with me. Do you want to come?"  
  
If she offered to have a drink with him in private, with no Chichiri and (especially) Taka on the scene, his heart would leap for joy. But then again, that would be an over reaction. And he doesn't want Miaka to suspect that something is going on with him, especially when it has something to do with her. He straightened up his posture and smiled, "Uh, sure."  
  
"That's great!" Miaka cheered as she started to walk away. "We'll see you later then, okay."  
  
Tasuki felt his whole body numbed until he is not sure that he is still standing. His gaze followed her as she walked down the empty hallways of the palace, until she rounded a corner, completely disappearing from his sight. Like a sick puppy, he just stared at the empty hallway, blinking periodically.  
  
"I better get going," As if he was splashed with cold water, he hurriedly closed the door and started to search for something to keep him warm from these cold nights.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So all we have to do is find the remaining memory balls before Tenkou could beat us to it," Taka said as he gulped down some beer.  
  
"That's right, no da," Chichiri agreed.  
  
  
  
All four of them were sitting on a table inside a rather empty bar. Taka sat beside Miaka, who is busy eating off the food that is served before her earlier. On the opposite side, Chichiri sat beside Tasuki. The bandit was looking oblivious since they came in, still not touching a mug of beer placed infront of him. It's no wonder he can't absorbed any of the discussions taking place.  
  
"Tasuki," a female voice said, "are you okay."  
  
Hello, reality check. Tasuki looked up at Miaka, her cheeks puffed up like those of a chipmuck's that were full of acorns. Of course, Miaka is a lot worse than a chipmuck.  
  
"I'm okay."  
  
"Hello, there Mr. Daydreamer, where have you been," Taka joked as he smiled at his comrade.   
  
"Is everything okay?" Chichiri asked, formalizing Taka's earlier mocking.  
  
Tasuki realized that they've noticed that he is not in his cheery mood tonight. He grabbed his mug high and tried to show a happy smile, fangs and all, "Of course I'm okay! Cheers for the return of Tamahome...um, I mean Taka."  
  
"I think It's appropriate if you called me Tamahome," Taka said, "after all, that was my name."  
  
"WAS, buddy. WAS," Tasuki drank some before resuming, "and besides, you are not yet Tamahome until we find the other four."  
  
"But don't you think that if we call him Tamahome, it would help him get used to it," Miaka suggested, amidst all the food she is continously stuffing in for the last half hour.  
  
"I think Tasuki's right," Taka finally said, "I'm not the real Tamahome yet, so I guess it's proper to call me by that name."  
  
Tasuki stood up and raised his mug once again. "Let's just forget all these problems for a while. Forget about Tenkou, forget about those memory balls, forget about your stupid name...we came here to drink and be merry. So cheers!"  
  
"Cheers!" They said in unison.  
  
However, they heard Taka grunted, "Stupid...name?"  
  
Their happy hour ignited when Tasuki started to ask Miaka about their world, and what other cool stuff is present there. He only happen to know the camera, that took their picture two years ago. Miaka was telling them about the time when Tamahome first trip on a train, while Taka continued bellowing about the bandit's retort on his name.   
  
The gang was busy with their talk that they didn't notice that customers is getting larger by the minute, and in no time at all, had also got the merry-making fever. Miaka is also drinking with them (in tremendous amount) as Tasuki felt a twang of dizziness when he stood up. I better slow it down now, he thought, I want to remember this night, he smiled as he watches Miaka made a loud uproar about Taka's remark about Chichiri's funny mask.  
  
It's a good thing that Chichiri's not drinking, Tasuki thought as they exited the bar early that morning. Miaka had been singing a song foreign to his ears, while Tamahome was still laughing on his earlier joke about Chichiri's mask. The monk had tried to stop Taka from further humiliation. But there's no stopping a drunk man.  
  
"He's not listening to you, Chichiri," Tasuki said as he puts down Taka on the side of the road and started easing up his shoulders. "He got it bad, this time."  
  
"How about you," Chichiri suddenly asked, "you're the one who is usually drunk. So how come you don't, no da."  
  
"Well that's before Hotohori, Nuriko and Mitsukake were still alive. They are always there to carry me," he bent down and started to pick up Taka, only to fall back. The alcohol is definitely getting to him. His vision suddenly got blurred and his head heavy. He felt like sleeping right there and now.   
  
Tasuki looked up at the wondering monk, "I guess he gets heavier every minute," he lied. Then, a wicked idea suddenly popped out from nowhere. He's drunk and he is still getting wild ideas. In any case, he still blurted out. "Do you want to trade."  
  
"No da?"  
  
"I'll carry Miaka and you carry Taka."  
  
"But Miaka weighed more than Taka, no da."  
  
"JUST DO IT!!!"  
  
Chichiri puts down his load with caress, as not to wake up Miaka, who was snoring lightly. Tasuki carefully carried her by piggy back while Chichiri flung Taka's arm over his shoulders and started to lift his weight.  
  
They continued on with their walk, only having at least five hours until sunrise.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
At last! The palace in sight!  
  
Tasuki's throbbing head eases a bit as the large palace gates opened before them. There's no explaining to Empress Hohki where they went, so they climbed the wooden stairs in silence. The two soon separates. Chichiri heading towards Taka's room, while Tasuki towards Miaka's.  
  
The moon, hidden behind the clouds, had made the travel to her bedroom quite difficult. Miaka's constant singing and stirring behind him added to his burden.   
  
"Row, row, row your boat," Miaka sang again, starting the little nursery rhyme for at least fifty times already. Tasuki quietly grunted in annoyance. He expected at least to someone complain about Suzaku no miko's endless singing. But, Tasuki thought, no one will complain about her, for she is the maiden of Suzaku.   
  
Heck! Why continue the thought.  
  
Tasuki sighed in relief as they reached their destination without any sudden complaints. He pushed it slowly and went inside. That's where Miaka got really wild.  
  
"Come on, horsey! Giddy-up!" She shouted and rocked Tasuki. As if the poor bandit is NOT complaining on how heavy Miaka is, and now she's treating him like a darn horse. "Giddy-up, horsey...giddy--snorrrrrrrr" Tasuki felt Miaka's body slumped back on him. The impact forced Tasuki to lose his balance and is now swaying violently. Flailing his arms to regain balanced didn't work, and fell head first onto the bed with a loud thump. He struggled to breath in some air, and tried to push his and Miaka's weight up. He felt his eyes droopy and arms wobbly, an imminent sign that he is about to fall back to the bed again. He did, his face turning sideways. With the tremendous wieght Miaka pins on him, and Tasuki's tired body and drunk mind, he gasped for something to say, "Um...help?"  
  
As if someone would hear him in that tone.  
  
He's tempting to sleep right there. His body's constant nagging to rest pushed his eyes to droop down, closing. Miaka had been silent for quite some time and was now sleeping lightly. Tasuki could feel her chest heaving slowly, as in a deep sleep, and he could feel his stomach clench in tight knots.   
  
When did he felt that way towards Miaka? I mean, she's not that glamorous or anything, and she eats for three people. Childish at times, yet emotional. What did attracted him to her?  
  
With his last remaining strength, he pushed Miaka to the side. Careful now, he mentally ordered to himself. At last, as if the world was lifted off his shoulders, Miaka is off his back, and breathe in big helpings of air. He stood up and was about to leave the room when he looked back at the sleeping girl on the bed. He couldn't just leave her like that!  
  
He walked back to the bed and tried to straighten Miaka's posture. A wave of guilt flushed over him, and yet....  
  
Darn it! Taka must be doing this, not me!  
  
Oh, he couldn't. Because he's dead drunk like her right at this moment!!  
  
When the work was done, Tasuki searched for the blankets. It was dark, so it took a little while for him to find them at the end of the bed. Heaving it high on the air, he slowly covered her with it, making sure to keep her warm against the cold night. Tucking her in, he brushed his fingers on her shoulders. Then something kicked in.  
  
Flooded with testosterone, he lightly brushed her cheek, trailing it from the temple, down to her chin. He felt so good just touching the contours of her face, he thought as his heart ached for some more. His gaze landed on her soft lips, and felt his heart take a giant leap.   
  
Mesmerized, he felt his mind go numb. His heart is surging with emotions such as the joy and guilt it gives him, and is now making a tug-of-war out of it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tasuki leaned his face to hers. Lips slightly parted, he neared her mouth. He could feel her warm breath on his face that sends chills down his body. Eyes closed and waited for the moment of the kiss.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
His eyes shot wide open, at the same time, lunging two inches away from her face. Did he just tried to kiss her back there? Man, what's going on with him? He pretty much wanted that question to be answered, but he felt that he already know what it was...just needs reassuring. And what if he is right? What will he do now?   
  
Kiss her?  
  
Tasuki shook his head to erase the thought away. He couldn't...he just couldn't.  
  
There's no use torturing himself on the pain that he is enduring. He quickly sat up, but a set of hands dragged him back. Tasuki blinked as Miaka's deathly grasp clamped him closer to her. For a moment, he caught his breath as his face buried deep in her auburn hair.  
  
"Teddy…bear…"  
  
The bandit felt himself laughing. Miaka thought that he was Boshin's toy. He remembered Miaka giving it to Hotohori, and recently, found his son grasping it.   
  
Tasuki inhaled the fresh fragrant in her hair...and went warm all over. He noticed that Miaka went back to sleep because her arms went loose around Tasuki's waist. But he never let go of her...never wanted to let go of her. His arms were gripping her pillow tightly, realizing how tense he had been. He released his tight grasp and let it relax, careful not to pin his own weight on her. He then closed his eyes, savoring Miaka's scent.  
  
"Teddy bear's quite big, today, ne?"  
  
Alarmed, he opened his eyes and his body went stiff. Is she awake, or still asleep? Is she still thinking of her teddy bear? But before he could make sure, Miaka went back to sleep.   
  
Tasuki will be sleeping soon as the alcoholic effects make its final climax on his head. He planned on staying for a while and cherishes this moment. But everything went blurred as he felt his tongue touch the rim of Miaka's ears, trailing it down to her cheek, until it found its way to her mouth. It slightly parted without hesitation. His tongue gently travelling inside, tasting the beer she had earlier.   
  
Tasuki wasn't aware of it, and he was now letting the effects of the liquor rule from now on. Gently, he kissed her, unaware that his sudden gesture woke her up.   
  
Half asleep, she kissed back. Tasuki was taken by surprised, and opened one eyelid to be sure. But she just kept on following Tasuki's lead.   
  
Was it human---no, maybe animal instinct---that had ruled them. Miaka, who is really drunk, and Tasuki, who is half-drunk, both were enjoying the stolen moment each are having.  
  
Tasuki toyed with her tongue, pulling her inside. He could feel her arms wrap around her neck, making the kiss deeper and vigorous. His hands slid down to her waist, and finally anchoring his own weight against the mattress.  
  
Tempted with desire, he started to slide down to her throat, kissing it gently.   
  
"Taka…"  
  
Tasuki parted from her with a jolt. His wide eyes stared at Miaka, who is looking flushed with the sudden excitement that happened earlier. Her eyes, even though it's dark, could tell that she is looking at somebody right above her. But that is not him, that is not Tasuki on her eyes. It was Taka.  
  
He felt like he was doused with very, very cold water. Hello…Genrou…is somebody there, an irritating voice echoed at the back of his head. Could we have a reality check here, Miaka is Taka's girlfriend, okay, GIRLFRIEND. Or do you want me to spell it to you to make my poin?  
  
  
  
He just stared back at her as he continued to listen to his conscience continuing rants. But Miaka pulled him back, and they started kissing again. But everything seem different.   
  
You could kiss her all you want. Damn, you could claim her right here and now. But you can never win her heart. She loves Taka…or Tamahome…or whatever. She only sees you as a very good friend, and I suggest that we put it that way. It's better that way. It's good for both of you…for the three of you. If you continued this, you'll end up making her cry, making Taka REALLY mad at you, and you're going to end up hurt and guilty.  
  
But...how?  
  
Let it go…I know it's hard, but it's the only way. Like the saying goes, it's better to love and lost, than never had loved at all. Consider yourself lucky, at least there something that heart of yours could do besides pump blood all over your body.  
  
What will I do?  
  
You could wait until she dupes him…or he dupes her. Then come into the scene. Or maybe you can love her entirely in the next life. Or maybe there is a girl out there that is exactly like her. There are so many of them, Genrou, all you have to do is look.  
  
So, you're saying that I should forget her?  
  
No one can forget their first love. And I'm not suggesting it either.   
  
So what will I do?  
  
Wait…wait for all it was worth. The answer will come sooner or later. There is no use betraying both of your friends. And leaving you blaming yourself. Cool it down, okay, hot boy. Cool it down.  
  
When the introspection finished, the blanket is already on the floor and Miaka is gripping Tasuki's shirt tight. Slowly, he pulled away and sat up at the end of the bed.   
  
It was still dark, but he could hear roosters already welcoming the morning. He could guess that it's already four or five o'clock. He stood up and picked the blanket that laid on the floor and covered her with it.  
  
He only hopes that Miaka doesn't remember a thing when she wakes up.  
  
He was headed for the door when he heard her say Taka's name. He stopped midway through the door and looked back at her.  
  
"Good night."  
  
He didn't dare to respond back, or she would notice the voice. So he just went outside and closed the door.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I told you we shouldn't have gone to the city last night, no da," Chichiri mumbled, as he tried to hustle everybody to prepare for the upcoming trip. They had left two hours ago, the monk thought, if only if they woke up sooner.  
  
Miaka woke up with a terrible hangover. Taka had been puking since morning. And Tasuki, since he didn't had that much alcohol last night had a consolation of a mild headache.  
  
"Are you ready, Tasuki?" Chichiri asked.  
  
Tasuki pulled the belt tight, securing his backpack. "Sure, how about---" he turned to Miaka and Taka, who is furiously trying to get their packs on the horse, "them?"  
  
With a whip of Chichiri's magic, their parcels had been secured in a giffy. "NOW can we all go."  
  
"You know," Miaka said, "I had the weirdest dream last night."  
  
"Really," Taka asked.  
  
"I was kissing you last night, but your hair is on fire." She looked at Taka, "Do you know what it meant."  
  
As soon as Miaka finished his sentence, Tasuki wanted to disappear. Did she remember? Oh God, forbid!  
  
But Miaka let go of the thought and smiled, "What the heck! I can't think of it anyway with this major headache that I have."  
  
Our fanged bandit sighed in relief. ON the other hand, Chichiri noticed Tasuki's sudden reaction. "Is something wrong."  
  
Flailing his arms, he lied, "No nothing's wrong. Really."  
  
"Did something happen last night?" Chichiri asked again.  
  
But he just kept silent as he climbed on his horse. "I wish something did."  
  
END  
  
________________________________________  
  
Author's notes: I made this fic for the revenge of Tamahome's complete incompetence and worthlessness in the OAV. Gosh, I wish I were there to wring his neck and wake him up. But still, I can't help the feeling to be straight. I mean, I could have made the two compatible, but noooooo, I just have to follow the 'right' way…  
  
This fic is one of my firsts. This is my first TasukixMiaka fic, and my first non-humor and romance fic. It is also my first fic where I incorporated really lovey-dovey scenes. It is again my first fic to finish in one sitting.Wow...so many firsts.  
  
It is also one of my favorites because the story really flowed without even making a draft (the story goes as dictated in my mind). Anyway, I hope you like this one as much as I loved it as I made it.  
  
Ja!! 


End file.
